


Snakes Don't Do Snow (Didn't You Know?)

by Supergeek21



Category: Good Omens (Radio), Good Omens (TV), Good Omens - Neil Gaiman & Terry Pratchett
Genre: Aziraphale Loves Crowley (Good Omens), Crowley Hates Horses (Good Omens), Crowley Hates the Cold (Good Omens), Crowley Loves Aziraphale (Good Omens), Crowley is Bad With Horses (Good Omens), Cuddling & Snuggling, Established Relationship, Fluff, Fluff and Humor, Good Omens Events, Good Snowmens Winter Gift Exchange, Holidays, Horses Hate Crowley, Humor, Ineffable Husbands (Good Omens), Ineffable Idiots (Good Omens), M/M, Oblivious Aziraphale (Good Omens), Skiing, Sleigh Ride, Snakes Can't Ski, Vacation
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-11
Updated: 2021-01-11
Packaged: 2021-03-15 02:47:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,425
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28681347
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Supergeek21/pseuds/Supergeek21
Summary: Snakes and Snow do not mix. Too bad Crowley never bothered to tell Aziraphale that before the angel accepts an invite to accompany Newt and Anathema on a ski trip.
Relationships: Aziraphale & Crowley (Good Omens), Aziraphale/Crowley (Good Omens)
Comments: 31
Kudos: 84
Collections: Good Snowmens Winter Gift Exchange, Week 51: Snow!





	Snakes Don't Do Snow (Didn't You Know?)

**Author's Note:**

  * For [starryfull13](https://archiveofourown.org/users/starryfull13/gifts).



> Written for the Good Omens Events Discord Server Good Snowmens winter holiday exchange for starryfull13! My prompts were "snow fun" "getting cosy" and "German Christmas market" I hope I did them justice. They were very fun to brainstorm and work with. 
> 
> There is a partial draft of a second chapter written for this fic, but I ran out of time to finish it. If people would be interested, please let me know in the comments, and I will hopefully get it posted next week. 😉
> 
> Thank you to PinkPenguinParade for beta-ing and Tarek_giverofcookies for assisting with the title.

“How did I let you talk me into this?!” Crowley shouted, hanging onto the angel in the seat next to him for dear life.

A spray of snow flew up and hit the demon square in the face. “I should have just gone to the spa!”

For his part, Aziraphale did regret this decision. It had been so long since he’d seen Crowley interact with a horse that he’d quite forgotten how badly the two mixed when he booked the drive-it-yourself sleighride with the hotel concierge that morning.

The beast in question whinnied loudly and reared up at the sound of Crowley’s shouting and Aziraphale pulled desperately on the reins.

“Whoa!” he yelled.[1] “Down girl!”

The white and grey speckled nightmare paid no heed to the angel, instead taking off like a rocket once again down the snow-covered path.

Crowley hissed in alarm and wrapped himself tighter around Aziraphale as the sleigh hit a bump in the road.

 _How did I let myself get dragged into this?!_ Crowley thought as Aziraphale managed to steer the spooked horse away from a side path into a line of trees and gave Crowley a look that was entirely too proud of himself for someone still at the reigns of a runaway sleigh.

 _Oh right,_ Crowley reminded himself. _He’s bloody adorable._

It had started just a few weeks earlier at a pre-holiday party in Tadfield.

Crowley had gone to get a drink when Aziraphale had struck up a conversation with Anathema and Newton.

“Newt’s never been skiing before,” Anathema was explaining. “I used to go with my family in the Rockies, but it should be fun to see the Alps.”

“Oh, that sounds lovely, Dear,” Aziraphale gushed. “It’s been ages since I’ve been to the mountain! “However, I do recall a delightful little village in France with some lovely scenery and one of the best patisseries outside of Paris, where I believe they have built a lovely ski resort.”[2]

“That sounds wonderful!” Anathema said, beaming. “I’ll look it up tonight if you could give me the name. Maybe they’ll still have some availability after New Year’s.”

“Oh, I’m sure that won’t be a problem,” Aziraphale said with a smile.[3]

“Thanks!” Newt said enthusiastically. “That’s very nice of you.”

“What’s he doing that’s so nice now?” Crowley interjected, sauntering over to the group, and wrapping an arm around Aziraphale’s waist.

“He just said he’d help us get reservations for a ski holiday Ana wants to take me on,” Newt answered, subconsciously mirroring Crowley’s gesture with his own date.

Crowley snickered. “You ever been skiing before, Pulsifer?”

“No. Excited to give it a go, though,” he answered with a grin.

Crowley just nodded, “well have fun then,” he said, attempting to be judicious while secretly hoping Aziraphale would also be blessing the miraculously obtained hotel room so the boy would come home in one piece.

Anathema suddenly brightened and reached out to grasp Aziraphale’s arm.

“Why don’t you and Crowley join us, Aziraphale?” she asked cheerfully.

Crowley’s eyes went wide in alarm behind his sunglasses and he opened his mouth to protest but Aziraphale was already smiling from ear to ear, an excited glint in his eyes.

“That sounds lovely, Dear,” he said. “Are you quite sure we wouldn’t be imposing?”

“Don’t be silly,” Anathema said with a dismissive wave of her hand. “It will be fun.”

“Well, I suppose I could close up the shop for a few days. It’s been so long since I’ve been on a proper holiday. What do you say, Dearest?”

Aziraphale turned his shimmering blue puppy eyes on Crowley and the snow-averse snake knew he couldn’t say no.

He forced a smile onto his face. “Sounds tickety-boo, Angel,” he said.

Aziraphale beamed impossibly brighter and Crowley swore in his head.

Three weeks later Crowley found himself shivering at the top of a mountain, wooden planks strapped to his feet, smiling angel at his side, and a bad feeling in his stomach.

Crowley had never been very fond of the snow. Sure, it was pretty when it first fell and it looked nice out windows and on postcards, but it was cold and wet, and his cold-blooded serpent body did not like being out in it for any great length of time.[4]

Now was not the time to show weakness though, not in front of Aziraphale and Book Girl and Disaster Boy! So, Crowley sucked it up, put on his miraculously warm fur-lined black parka and knit hat, tied his jaunty red scarf around his neck, and marched out into the ‘winter wonderland’ of the mountain landscape.

_You can tolerate one day in the cold!_ He told himself.

What he could **not** do, apparently, was ski.

Of course, Crowley hadn’t realized this when he’d made his first disastrous attempt at it. Why would he? He’d never done it before, but he’d assumed it was one of those human things like walking or driving he could just take to.

Unfortunately for Crowley those were not two things he did conventionally[5] by any human standards, and skiing, it turned out, was even harder to start with.

What the demon’s snake-like hips offered in flexibility, they decidedly lacked in stability.[6] As a result, he found himself careening downhill in an erratic swerve for about fifteen seconds before tangling up on himself, losing his balance, and tumbling unceremoniously into a snowbank.

This was, of course, met with raucous laughter from his companions. At least it was the first time--by the second time Aziraphale seemed to feel sorry for him, and the angel was emitting high levels of genuine concern by fall number four.

“M’fine, Angel,” Crowley said sulkily, crossing his arms over his chest and resolutely not moving from his seat in the powder. “M’no worse than Newt anyway.”

As suspected, the young former witchfinder had struggled to keep his balance on the slopes, though, truth be told,[7] Newt had only fallen three times and his last run had made it almost to the bottom of the hill.

“It’s fine, Dear. We don’t have to continue…”

“No, no, no it’s fine,” Crowley protested. Aziraphale had, of course, taken to the slopes like a-a what-ever-it-is takes to water, and Crowley wasn’t about to spoil his fun.

That was, at least, until his next run when he managed to stay upright for a full thirty seconds before swerving drastically off-course and crashing into a tree.

“M’goin back to the room,” Crowley mumbled through the hand grasping his nose, as Aziraphale hauled him to his feet.

“I think that’s a good idea, Dear,” the angel said gently.

That was yesterday. And that was also how he’d found himself here, clinging desperately to Aziraphale as this mad mare dragged him to his doom through the snow… Well, that and his refusal to attempt ice skating with Anathema and Newt: a position Aziraphale had completely supported.

“Don’t worry, Dear, we’ll come up with something else to do,” the angel had said. “Something that doesn’t require quite as much balance.”

At first, the angel’s plan had gone well. Crowley rather enjoyed wandering through the German Christmas market in town, where the final days of the celebration had led to smaller crowds and he could stave off the cold with hot apple cider and the constant pleasure of watching Aziraphale sample fresh pastries with delight.

He couldn’t believe it when he was led to their next activity of the day only to be faced down with a horse.

“Are you sure about this, Angel?” he had asked apprehensively.

“Of course, Dear Boy,” Aziraphale said. “I can drive. It will be romantic.”

Once again Crowley had been faced with a pair of angelic puppy eyes[8] and immediately caved. Aziraphale was just too hard to resist with his soft cream color coat and his curls peeking out from beneath his blue winter hat with the completely ridiculous little pompom on top. He sighed and got in the sleigh.

Now Crowley was regretting his weakness as he screamed an incoherent torrent of curse words in every language he had learned in 6,000 years.

The situation was spiraling into a vicious cycle as the demon’s voice seemed to agitate the horse further and the faster it ran, the more Crowley shouted.

Aziraphale was trying valiantly to convey this to partner, but it was hard to focus on communicating while he was trying to keep the horse under some semblance of control.

“Angel, for Heaven’s sake DO SOMETHING!” Crowley gasped.

This latest epithet triggered a sudden idea and Aziraphale focused as much calming energy as he could muster on the horse.

Crowley felt a pulse of angelic magic radiate from the seat beside him and felt a sense of relief for about two seconds as the horse immediately came to a stop. Unfortunately, the stop happened so rapidly the momentum of the sleigh could not adequately adapt, and the vehicle tipped drastically sideways, dumping both angel and demon out into a snowbank.

Under any other circumstances, Crowley would have been glad to find himself pinned to the ground by Aziraphale’s weight on top of him; now, however, terrified and covered in snow, he couldn’t properly appreciate it.

“Crowley, Dear, are you alright?” Aziraphale gasped, scrambling off the demon and looking around nervously for the horse.[9]

“Whoever wrote ‘Jingle Bells’ was a fucking moron!” Crowley spat.

“What?”

“’What fun it is to ride in a one-horse open sleigh?!’” Crowley quoted incredulously. “Bollocks!”

Aziraphale stared at Crowley in stunned silence for a moment, blinked, then fell over into the snow in a fit of laughter, arm slung affectionately across the demon’s chest.

Crowley scoffed and Aziraphale pushed up again to smile down at him warmly.

“I’m so sorry, Dear Boy, I-I thought you might actually be hurt for a moment, and then…”

“Not hurt, just scared half to discorporation,” Crowley grumbled. “What were you thinking? You know those bloody things hate me,” he pointed an accusatory finger at the horse.

“I thought it would be alright if you weren’t riding it,” Aziraphale said with a shrug. “It just seemed like a nice way to enjoy the outdoors while we are here.”

“Next time we take an outdoorsy holiday we’re going to the beach,” Crowley sighed, flopping his head back into the powdery snow and allowing the angel’s body heat to dispel the cold while his heart slowed to its normal, albeit unnecessary, rate. Cold or not, he had to admit it felt nice.

They had been lying in the snow regathering their wits about them for some time when Aziraphale felt Crowley’s body shiver violently beneath him.

He picked his head up off the demon’s chest and noted his skin looked paler than normal and there was a faint blue tint on his lips.

“Dear Lord!” the angel gasped. “Crowley! You’re freezing!”

“I’m a sssnake,” Crowley hissed. “’m always cold…”

Aziraphale’s eyes went wide as he realized just what an ordeal he had been putting his love through the last two days. “Why didn’t you say something?” he gasped. “I’m so sorry, my Dear!”

Aziraphale sat up to pull Crowley to his feet and the demon groaned at the loss of his angelic blanket.

“’cuz you’re warm,” he muttered. “Didn’t wanna ruin your good time.”

Aziraphale felt as if he could cry, a warm blush creeping up his cheeks despite the cold breeze as he stared down at his sheepishly smiling demon.

He leaned down and lovingly kissed Crowley’s forehead.

“You ridiculous serpent,” he muttered affectionately, pulling the snake in question into a sitting position. “Come on, let’s get back to the resort.”

“I’m not getting back in that death trap,” Crowley said through teeth that were now chattering, sending a scathing look at the sleigh.

As if sensing the snake-like eyes on it, the horse whinnied and shuffled its hooves nervously.

“Of course not,” Aziraphale agreed. He snapped his fingers and the horse and sleigh both vanished, presumably reappearing safe and sound back in the stable. “Absolutely out of the question.”

Crowley breathed a sigh of relief. “Then how—” he yelped as Aziraphale suddenly crouched down and hoisted him up in his arms bridal-style.

There was another snap and suddenly they were back in their suite,[10] a cozy fire already blazing in the fireplace and steam emanating from the bathroom.

Crowley gaped at him and Aziraphale grinned cheekily.

“There,” he said primly. “Now why don’t we get you out of those wet clothes and properly warmed up?”

Crowley tilted his head up to press his frigid lips against Aziraphale’s soft, warm ones in a passionate kiss and felt a flush spread across his face and down his body towards his groin.

“Sounds like a plan to me, Angel,” he said as he broke away. He was starting to feel warmer already. 

* * *

[1] Though Crowley couldn’t tell if it was a startled exclamation or a command to the animal.

[2] Aziraphale, of course, hadn’t been there for nearly 100 years, however, the shop in question was miraculously still in business, operated by the same family for generations using the founder’s original recipes. When anyone asked what their secret was, they simply shrugged and said they’d been blessed with good fortune. They didn’t know exactly how right they were.

[3] For one reason or another Aziraphale had never once struggled to get reservations for anything he wished to do since the concept of making reservations was invented.

[4] Not that he ever explicitly expressed this aversion to Aziraphale or anyone else; at least not in stronger words than gentle grumblings about being “chilly.” He had a reputation to keep up and it’s hard to maintain your tough guy persona and look cool in front of your crush/lover when you whine about your nearly-numb extremities every time you go for a walk in the snow. He had his pride!

[5] Or particularly well

[6] His swishy, lust inducing walk was only ever half intentional. The other half was a bizarre by-product of constantly having to compensate for having joints and tendons which never fully learned how to make the transition from snake to human form.

[7] Though Aziraphale, wisely, did not

[8] He wondered if the blond even knew he was doing it sometimes, or if it was just part of his bastard nature.

[9] It was miraculously calm and busy munching at the dry leaves on some bushes by the side of the road. 

[10] Aziraphale had standards for his miraculous reservations.

**Author's Note:**

> Kudos and Comments make my day, so please feel free to leave them here! If you feel inspired to make anything inspired by my fic please let me know or you on [Tumblr](https://supergeek21.tumblr.com/), [Instagram](https://www.instagram.com/jessiemarie921/), or [Twitter](https://twitter.com/JessieMarie921)! I'd love to hear from you.


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